I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
