I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
It's shark week go big or go home
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize