this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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