dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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