I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You ruined the universe
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
