i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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