Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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