U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
