i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
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