I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
