In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
