dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
