You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
