Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
There are leaves in my underwear?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize