he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize