You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
