I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
