Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
