Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
