i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think my moral compass just broke
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