I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
