A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
