Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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