don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
