My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
