i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
