My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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