When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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