I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i need an iv and a liver transplant
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
