i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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