I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
