I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
