HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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