I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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