I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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