Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
