jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
