woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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