you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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