Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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