Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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