WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
