If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
