the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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