So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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