I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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