Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize