I think im going to throw up on grandma
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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