Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
