he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
the raccoons are back...
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