All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize