Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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