i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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