last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
