what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
