what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
