we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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