I think my fart just growled at me.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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