I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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