Your mouth is God's brothel.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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