so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
