just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
