Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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