I'm pants shitting drunk right now
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
someone owes me an orgasm
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
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