you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
