wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
