I wish my penis had an off switch
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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